Choosing Happiness

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“Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?”– Leo Buscaglia

I always tell myself that when the day comes that I’ll be pouring my heart out for you, the words that will come out of my mouth will be “You know what? I USED TO LIKE YOU.” There. USED. There’s a difference.

And when that day comes, I hope I am strong enough to say these:

One.

You’ll always be my Sunday.

I pretty panicked that one weekend you messaged me asking for help. Honestly, it was weird. It was weird that of all people you can ask help for, you chose me. I wanted to ask you why but I never had the courage so I settled with “Maybe I was the nearest person he could ask for help”.

Two.

You’ll always be that person asking for umbrella at 7:30 in the morning.

I looked outside the window and saw it was raining. I heard a beep from my phone and you’re name popped asking if I can share my umbrella with you. It gave me a strange feeling, once again, because I was just thinking that you need an umbrella that day. I remembered how I told you that the man should be the one holding the umbrella for the woman so you willingly took my umbrella and held it.

Three.

You’ll always be my downfall.

From late nights studies to my first snuck-out during exams, you were the risk that I took. It was never usual of me. I was never impulsive. That night I snuck out, I told you that you’ve achieved three things: You made me go out late at night, its exams week and that’s the first time I didn’t asked permission from my mom. I know… I know I should’ve said no that night but can you blame me? A part of me wanted to go that night so I did.

Four.

You’ll always be my unfinished business.

I wanted to let you know that while some people are bringing you down or being cold to you, I was there trying to cheer you up and giving you a part of my time although I can say no every time you ask for help or dinner. I wanted to let you know that I am probably more worried than you are on how well you did on your subjects. I wanted to let you know that I can sit by your side until you finish the last page of your readings.

Five.

You’ll always be that bittersweet taste of alcohol.

Never did I imagine myself getting lost in alcohol just to make feelings fade. I can’t forget that night; the first time I let it consume me. I made that decision the first time I saw you walked in that place. You have that usual cheery and airy vibe when my friends greeted you. I remembered my roommate saying that I shouldn’t do something stupid. The night continued and I am starting to hate every part of it because you were the one doing stupid things. I hate that you have to check on me, to ask where I am, to call my name and to go home the same time I got home. I thought I was okay but no, I am not okay.

I remembered telling my friend, “I am scared. I think I might go crazy if this stopped.” Then it stopped. Have I gone crazy? A little, I think. Everything fell, unfortunately, in the wrong places. So I had to do it. Pick up the shards of my heart and try to put it back again.

Maybe this is one of the hardest things I’ll do but I am willing to get through it.

Maybe this is one of the most painful things I’ll do but if its what it will take me to forget you, then be it.

From now on, I am choosing myself. I am choosing happiness… even if that means letting you go.

(c) #HanggangSulatNaLang

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