Hey! How did you know you liked him again? I forgot why, but I remember this.
This tall, fair and handsome guy caught your eye and made ways to catch your attention. You immediately liked him when he first sat in your class looking all mysterious, and curiosity starts to creep into your veins. How he walks with his head as high as his dreams. How he makes you laugh with all the dumb jokes and puns just because he is too cute not to be laughed at. You, didn’t know how he started to make you smile, to admire the little things in life. Why little kids smile with the sight of their mothers, or why the sky is blue. Soon enough, you wanted to see him every single second of your life. He made your little innocent heart flutter and scream because of joy. It made you smile didn’t it? You deny the giddy-feeling you get when he comes up to you and asks about the assignment you had. Yes, I did remember the pain when our legs got floppy with too much jumping, how we cannot catch our breaths because we laughed too much when you reenact innocent conversations with him. How you and I would make up stories and fantasies to let our precious time pass.
He never did and he will never know you love him. Because you never had enough courage and bravery to let your heart out, to let your mind and actions speak. You were too scared to say those simple but dangerous words “I love you”. You were too scared to say those three words, because you are scared that he would not say it those three throat cutting words. You let your brain create sudden scenarios, one would end with the scene that he finally says “I love you” back and the second is the when you heart would crush and splatter into million pieces that you can’t even handle. “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the same way”. You never did tell him how your brain produces so much oxytocin when his hands cups your face when you had just enough of the world. He will never you feel blood rushing through your veins, he will never know what your giggles, flirty slaps mean. He will never know.
But maybe confessing your love for him is not really the best thing to do. Maybe, you care very much for those three words that you can’t seem to say it freely. You can’t let go of the words “I love you” easily. Maybe you are not yet ready to say it, it’s that simple.
After all the confusing moments you have with him you didn’t notice that one day he started talking about some girl he thinks is the most beautiful among all the girls he has met. You suddenly feel queasy that You just teased him because that is the only thing you can do- tease and tease until he comes and gets the number of the girl, talks to the girl, makes all the jokes he used to tell you. You as the only girl who can make him and yourself laugh that the whole world can hear and you as the only girl that lets him be himself. You, as a girl who loves him deeply, wholly, pushes him to say what he feels, because she deserves to know. She deserves to feel wanted, liked, and eventually loved. And he did, maybe he is ready to confess to a girl, but not to you. Maybe you confessing to him is something that the future cannot seem to imagine.
Because of your constant denial, repression, you lost the chance to say “I love you”.
And that is cycle of love, you.
(c) Beatrice Garcia, Feature Writer for STELLARIS